Spelljammer: The Green Bottle Trading Company

Adventure Log: Hollyworld
Episode 28: Churros and Chomos

This adventure was really fun for little lizard boys, probably not so safe for not lizard boys….but Meepo is extra ugly lizard boy so nobody touched his no no spots. The company sended us to Holly World….Meepo doesn't know why it's named that, he didn't even see any holly while he was there. We had to get some actors to stop being "entitled" or something like that so everyone could make movies again….Meepo has never seened a movie but they sound fun. We talked to ugly fly guy, he had a really dumb name….pretty much everyone here did. Creepo fly took us to some nice jewish guy who told us all about the actors guild and that some baddy was giving them drugs so they'd stop making movies….he also offered Meepo a movie job because Meepo can eat lots of cheese….Meepo's tummy still hurts though, lizard boys probably shouldn't eat cheese since we're lack toast intolerant….Meepo doesn't know what that has to do with cheese since cheese and toast aren't the same thing but whatever. That Jewish guy seemed nice, he wasn't as creepy as all the other people on this planet, he probably doesn't sleep with little kids, although he seemed like the type to adopt a kid from Tie World and raise her as his daughter….and then marry her when she was like twenty six. Anyways, we took a mechanical cart called an "Uber" to where all the actors were crying about stuff, Meepo understands them, sometimes he cries about stuff that doesn't really matter because he's a weak willed lizard boy….we all tried to tell them the guy giving them drugs was a pedo but they didn't really care because he was giving them drugs…I guess that's how things work in Holly World. We got some clues about where the drug lord was hanging out and made our way to his rave. Molly tickeded his cyclops guards into leaving the staircase up to his VIP room and we sneakeded past them. Inside was some naked lady and a rapest froggy guy…Meepo got scared and ran outside while Molly and Eggs beated them up, Meepo blacked out as usual so he didn't see any of that…it might not have been from being scared this time though…could have been one of those guys at the rave slipping something in Meepos drink by accedent, nobody would want to rape Meepo because he's REALLY UGLY. After Meepo woke up we was all back at the nice Jewish guy's house and he was fighting with the drug lord and that yucky fly guy, Meepo tried to convince them to work together on the script that he totally wrote and didn't steal from the octopus guy in the other room, that way it could be the greatest movie of all time….they all listened but the fly dude so everyone else beated him up….it's sad though because he was a really good director and great with over the top blood and cheesy stuff that the kids like nowadays….Meepo doesn't like cheese so much anymore though to be honest. So now Meepos movie is going to be made….and he probably wont get sued for stealing it because nobody in Holly World ever gets in trouble for doing illegal things. Finn…..whatever that means. 

Adventure Log: Tie World
Episode 27: All Tied Up

This adventure took us to Tie World, that's where Smookle is from, Kevin said he had gotten kicked off the planet for molesting children but Meepo doesn't know if that's true…but he's going to believe it because all allegations of sexual misconduct are to be considered completely true until proven false and Smookle isn't here to defend himself. Anyways wez went down to Tie world to meet with some big tie business guy, he was having problems with ghost and things….spoopy. Big Tie wanted us to investigate the ghost that was haunting his warehouse cuz his workers was scared to keep working….Meepo thought they was probably just lazy though, Meepo understands that cuz he's a sorta lazy lizard boy and doesn't like to work either, but he's scared if he didn't everyone would beat him up. Wez went and questioned the workers, seems like they really DID SEE A GHOST! Some of the workers thought the ghost had legs and others didn't….I guess ghosts could have legs if they wanted? Meepo doesn't know and his head hurts from thinking about ghost legs. After that we went to talk to other important Tie Guy and found him dead! We looted….er….found clues in his apartment that told us when the mean ghost dude was going to show up next and decided to stake out the place and beat em up! Before the ghost guy showed up we hided all the workers and stuff, the "Ghost" came in and it didn't seem very legit so we pulled off his sheet and it was just a vampire…Meepo was relieved because he's scared of ghosts. Vampire guy said some stuff, but Meepo didn't really pay attention, Kevin said some other stuff back, but Meepo still didn't pay attention….then the sheet that the vampire guy was wearing came to life…cuz it was a real ghost! It sucked up a bunch of ties and got huge, it was really spoopy! Meepo got so scared he blacked out, when he woke up everyone had beat up the ghosty….how do you even beat up a ghosty? Meepo doesn't know because he's a weak lizard boy and falls unconscious every time we get in a fight, Meepo wishes he was strong like everyone else….Meepo also has a tummy ache, feels like Meepo needs and exorcism in his bowels.

Adventure Log: Guild Hall Conglomerate
Episode 26: Spoopy Haunted House

Meepo and his friends…er… co-workers were sent to a new planet to do a thing. The big orb thingy said something about Mr.Greenbottle needing us to rob some guy…er…steal this thingy…er… liberate a crystal or something and that the password was "The moon blah blah blah blah…you retard" Meepo, Chad, Felix, and Eggs went down to find a guy at some nudy bar…er…slut house…er… brothel…er… very nice place called The Foxes Whore….we had to go in the backdoor, Felix said something like "There isn't shit here" but Meepo knowed better…there's always shit in the backdoor, and after looking around Meepo finded a way to penetrate deeper into the rectum of the building…er… poopy place…er…stupid joke…er…Foxes Whore. After telling the door guy "The moon blah blah blah…you retard." he opened the door and Meepo talked to some guy who told us to talk to some other guy about the rock that Mr.Greenbottle wanted. Chad was there, but he didn't talk very much because he was busy being a lazy bum…er… not helping…er… sexually harasing the strippers…er… managing. So we allz went to talk to some other guy who knew more stuff about the stuff that we wanted to know and stuff….so he said stuff and Meepos little lizard brain didn't really understand stuff but I think everyone else did so we went to get the stuff that we stuffed for in the first place. O yeah, Meepo almost forgot, we all got second jobs as house cleaners, so we could get into Mr.Greenbottles friends house and get that Mcguffin…er…crystal thingy. We got in no problem…sure the alarm went off and blew up the gate outside but we was okay, Meepo didn't even get hurted, which is a pretty big deal because everything hurts Meepo…he'd a weak lizard boy….mostly words hurt the worst….mostly. So after we was in the wizards house where the crystal rock thing was we looked around and it was a really nice place, Chad kept saying it was "Gross" and it "Sucked" and was "A pile of trash"….but he was probably really making fun of Meepo and Meepo was just too stupid to understand. The first room we went in had stuff and things, like weapons and whatnot, Chad took a sword that he said was "Nice brah", Meepo assumed this was also part of the joke he was making about Meepo but still didn't understand. After room one there was room three…Meepo thinks that's right, he doesn't really count good with numbers. Meepo got beat up by ghosts or something and blacked out, after everyone else killed the ghosts without Meepo we took a rest because Meepo was tired from getting beat up so bad. Then we found a hallway or something with a well in it….Meepo got beat up by the well too and blacked out again but everyone else got the crystal we wanted. We tried to leave and some wizard ninja guys appeared and wanted us to give them the stone but Meepo knowed they was up to something because they were being nice to Meepo and nobody is ever nice to Meepo so he asked them the password and they didn't know it, so Meepo reminded them what the password was and then they got it right. Since those ninja wizards knew that password it seemed pretty legit to give them the thing…Felix didn't want to though so I guess he beated them up, Meepo wasn't going to argue with him since he's pretty tall and could probably beat up Meepo. We went back to The Foxes Whore and we were going to give the guy the crystal thing and some mean red guy who seemed sort of racist appeared and wanted it instead…we were all pretty tired but we tried to fight him anyways…we won…but Felix kinda died…we had to pay all of our moneys to get him revived and Chad said it was a "Net loss" and that we were "The worst employees ever" and some other things…Felix is better though, and we all succeeded…we just lost money because reviving people is REALLY expensive…but there's no price too big for friendship… even though Felix probably isn't really Meepos friend, sometimes he acts like it but Meepo is pretty sure it's all a big joke to make Meepo really sad later. 

Adventure Log: Mall World
Episode 25: Shop Till You Drop

Queens Log day 30

Its been a month since Ive become the Matriarch of the mall. I honestly didnt see it coming but by Thai Krom this dress makes me feel pretty! It started with a contract that needed renewal but we had little infromation about the sphere we were going to. On arrival weseemed to have caused a ruckus because we were soon greeted with screams and a few cages. While Ive gotten used to being screamed at and captured this time we were captured by whatseemed to be an almost amazonian society of shoppers, not a male among them. Or so we thought. WHile I mouthed off at the usual rate and ended up recieving a bit of a beat down my fellow shipmates watched in what seemed to be an amused manner. Soon after though we were contacted by a member of the male resistance and given instructions to meet up with his group and a key to escape. While the guards seemed to disagree, we did what we usually do and engaged in melee diplomacy. After this my friends… actually  I dont think theyd describe me as that so Ill stick with coworkers. So anyways my coworkers managed to make themselves invisible and so I was left to try and make my way through this Mall world by disguise alone. I may have miscalculated how effective my disguise would be though. It seems having visible menstraul issues is not the way to go low key in a large group of females.After being pelted with tamponsh my coworkers managed to accidently grab the attention of the hostiles and I managed to make it to the ladies room. With some quick thinking I flooded the bathroom with tampons and made my way into the vents. I got super lost though and managed to just go right back to the bathroom I started in. Thats when I met her. While our friendship was short lived the girl that I met in the bathroom took me on the shopping spree that changed my life and made me feel super pretty. She didnt seem to agee with me however, when I showed her my real self she freaked out and left before I could really explain. I just wanted to be friends dammit! So back to the vents it was for me. By some miracle I managed to meet up with my friends without really knowing where they were and there I met these very pretty ladies. Who were also dudes. The two are not mutually exclusive. While talking with these fine lady dudes we found out that the entire male population had been pushed to the brink and that they were fighting to take back this Mall World. But also they were super sexist. We then used the makeup that we had stolen to disguise ourselves and set off to liberate the planet of the tyrannical Becky. The lady dudes managed to distract the first line of defense, leaving us to battle it out with the former queen. After a lengthy battle we emerged victorious. While my coworkers seemed eager to be off I felt as though I had finally found the one place I could be happy. In a mall filled with pretty dresses. So I stayed, and through a series of events that I dont quite understand I somehow became Queen of mallworld and have ruled with an acryllic nailed fist.

Dictated But Not Read,

Smookle Hork

Adventure Log: Trailer World
Episode 24: Meepo > Surf Tiger

This adventure made Meepo really happy, We went to Trailer World, it reminded Meepo of home, but with more domestic abuse and beer….two things that go hand and hand. So we go to planet to do whatever we was doing, Meepo wasn't really paying attention, everyone here has nice beer box armor, very fashionable. Meepo started talking to people to see what was going on, it was weird, because nobody here seemed to hate Meepo, he fit in pretty good, I guess they wasn't very smart either. We found Surf Tiger in town, Meepo likes Surf Tiger, because he's the only person in the universe that everyone hates more than Meepo, Meepo understands why, he's pretty much the worst, at least Meepo has some redemable qualities….like….um….Anyways, Surf Tiger told us to go overthrow communist guy who runs the place, said we has to do wrestling tournament or something, I guess he couldn't do it because he's a big coward….Meepo isn't really one to talk though, he's a big coward too….just not as big as Surf Tiger, he's the biggest coward. So we went and fought in tournament thingy, well Meepo didn't, he got hitted once and ran away like a Surf Tiger. Party pulled though though and beat up all the other guys, they're so strong, much stronger than Meepo and WAY stronger than crappy Surf Tiger. After that we sneaked in….snucked in? Snooked in? Snuck in? Smookled in? Whatever, we went though the locker room and everyone fighted the big bad guy in a scary cage match, King Hydra summoned a bunch of dinos to protect the party and Meepo, they eated all the bad dudes…especially the communist polar bears, those guys didn't stand a chance, communism is only slightly stronger than Surf Tiger and Meepo so it couldn't stand against King Hydra. That was pretty much it, we has trade with them now, Meepo wants to go back and visit sometime, it feels weird when everyone sucks as much as you….Meepo likes weird stuff…..and puppies, Meepo loves puppies. 

Adventure Log: Oliphant
Episode 23: Gears and Beers

This adventure was real important, that's what Greenbottle guy said over the funny magic orb. We was told to go to planet and get contract and also to take care of "problem". Meepo wasn't sure what problem was, got a little scared to be honest, Meepo thought maybe he was "problem" and his friends was going to beat him up and leave him stranded. That didn't happen though, but it probably should have because Meepo is "problem" and deserves that sort of treatment. There was another group on the funny metal gear planet already when we got there, they were "douche bags" Meepo thinks that's what Kevin said, he real smart so it must be true. Everyone had good time drinking, Meepo had one drink and went to sleep in the ship because rooms at the inn were too nice for Meepo and he didn't want to smell up the place being a gross lizard boy. In the morning the douche bags were gone…guess they could smell stinky Meepo even though he slept in the ship. We went to talk with important guy about problem and getting a contract, he gave us lots of papers to write on….too many paper. Kevin said he didn't want to and we all went to take care of problem at gear metal planet core with maintenance guy…took four days by train…everyone was drunk entire time…besides Meepo, he can't drink good and get's beat up my liquids sometimes. Once we got to place we was going we found funny cultists chanting and screaming "We love Satan, we want to eat babies" Meepo don't know who Satan is but everyone said he's a nice guy so Meepo understand. Cultist guys got mad that Meepo was so ugly and attacked the party. Meepo got knocked out before fight….probably a strong gust of wind or something…sometimes that happens because Meepo is the weakest pile of useless garbage in existence. King Hydra save Meepo again….thanks King Hydra you the best god ever and Meepo loves you…even if you poop in his pockets. After Meepo get up from being knocked out everyone went further into the gear place and found more cultists. They summoned a big crazy monster tentacle baby so they could eat him and get his power and stuff….the maintenance guy did some funny magic stuff and turned into a sexy lady boy in a kawaii school girl outfit….Meepo blacked out because he was so scared, girls make Meepo nervous…even when they have wieners. When Meepo got back up he saw King Hydra's claw in the sky above him…King Hydra did a god abortion and now everyone knows King Hydra is a bad ass god and Meepo not lying about that…King Hydra is the best.

Adventure Log: Auctumnus
Episode 22: Corny Kids

Meepo no even read good, why is he writing adventure log? Don't know, probably deserve it though, Meepo is being punished for being so stupid and not helping good. Anyways we go to planet, meet with King man….he's obviously a bad guy, he wants Meepo and friends to kill his kids….not nice….but Meepo too much of bitch boy to stop him. We go to visit the kids, they live in their own town outside of other town. We got attacked by a monster guarding the kids town….Meepo ran and hid…everyone else took care of it, because Meepo is a big coward that can't really fight good…actually Meepo can't do anything good. Kids really nice, especially Jebediah…..all thirty of them. O yeah, Meepo almost forgot, basically the whole town was Jebediah, they said they all turned into him to be strong….Meepo wanted to be a Jebediah too but he was so weak he couldn't even be one. There was also a little girl that didn't want to be a Jebediah, guess she was already pretty strong by herself, probably could have at least beat up Meepo. We talked to Jebediah's for a long time, scary white orc man yelled at them for a long time, he kept saying "Fuck you!", Meepo kept running count of how many times…..one hundred and thirty four to be exact….of course Meepo can't count good so that's probably wrong. Anyways that little girls brother wanted to be strong so he became a Jebediah, little girl seemed upset about it and that made Meepo sad. Everyone went back to King with news that we weren't going to kill kids. He must have got mad and knocked Meepo out because Meepo doesn't remember what happened, King Hydra must have saved Meepo because when Meepo woke up all the bad guys was smashed…no thanks to weakling Meepo. With King dead the group got everything signed with the elder Jebediah and left….took the girl and her jebediah brother with us…because their planet wasn't very fun. Hopefully they have more fun on our ship with Meepo and all of his friends…well they're not really his friends, nobody likes Meepo.

Adventure Log: Flavin
Episode 21: Archaeology, Artifacts, and...Pedophilia?

So I'm going to make this short and sweet, just like me…except with smaller tits…actually it wont even have tits at all, sorry, that's probably a real let down…just like this job was. So we go down to Flavin and meet up with a bunch of fuckin poor boy seaweed huffing nerds who are playing in the dirt, of course they were all dirty and reeked of chicken nuggets as you'd expect. The first pencil pusher, who was completely unimportant, took us to meet up with Mavin…or Merik….or whatever his name was that was running the place, apparently he was a Greenbottle and Chad's uncle, Chad said the chomo, fuck boi, garbage tunicate, touched him when he was little….seemed pretty legit. Looking back I probably should have killed the pedo bear, then maybe Chad would finally propose to me….I mean we've gone though, like, five adventures together….dude has commitment issues…of course that's understandable when your uncle tickled your insides before you could even read. So the pederass tells us some crap about hobo goblins trying to rob their dig sight, why they want shit from the dirt is beyond my comprehension….just go to the store and buy new stuff, then it wont be all dirty you fucking twat gargoyles. As we're getting ready to take off and preform genocide on the hobo population faster than a government secretly releasing addictive drugs to their citizens, the hobos attack the camp…really original guys. Anyways long story short they tried to take some mirror that belonged to some lich queen….but I'm the only queen around here so I just murdered all of them and kept the mirror for myself….Chad's dumb ass child molesting uncle didn't even seem to care very much, I asked the tarded neck beard what it did and he gave me some summon demon nonsense…whatever, I told him the hobos stole it and kept it myself. It seemed like a cute makeup mirror, and sometimes my mascara runs a little when I'm punching the fuck out of poor people, fucking degenerates.   

Adventure Log: Flat World
Episode 20: Literal vampire, potbelly, goblins

This mission by far was the most righteous and blessed by the Narrator. We were sent to speak with a dark skinned wizard, who's name is not important (Parallax), on the light side of the Flat world in the Razy Sphere. We arrived on the outskirts of the town Katzazz and approached to a scene of a divine oration heralding the pending doom of this planets way of life to little green men who appear from rocks and eat babies. Of course we were perturbed by the revelation of this news and immediately wanted to find the wizard and see what we could do to help. To our surprise, at least to my companions surprise (nothing surprises me, poor asses), the wizard approached us during the oration and beckoned us back to his tower. Of course we follow since this is the person that requested that we come to this planet. Obviously I was leery of this smooth talking, towel wearing darkie but we followed him nonetheless. Long story short, he propositioned us to kill Alex Bones, the man preaching to the town, because of science. I immediately knew this was bullshit so I told the troupe that we were going to talk to Alex and not kill him. Being the leader they of course did what I told them. Though it would have been nice to have Smookle help me keep the crazy scro from doing crazy shit but I digress. Alex was a soothsayer whom received his direction from the almighty Narrator, divine be his name. After hearing Alex explain what was happening again we knew we had to help. We followed him and some strange gnome named Gnome (pronounced No-May) who had a weird fascination with pointing us in the right direction. We eventually came upon some rocks that lead us deep into the earth (roughly 15 feet) and we emerged in a scorched land of fire and brimstone filled with literal vampire potbelly goblins. They approached, we let out or righteous fury on their bodies, they died. Alex was magnificent, bade dripping with the blood of our enemies, stealing all my Narrator damned kills…asshole. Thank the Narrator Desmond isn't a pacifist anymore, I thought I was going to have to fire him for being a lil bitch, for we sure needed his help in cleansing this land. If only Smookle was there to revel in the blood bath. Eventually we made our way down town to a factory where they were harvesting demons from babies' bodies. We slaughtered all we came across, unfortunately we were unable to save any of the children. Finally we confronted the leader of these hedonistic scum and wouldn't ya know, that thrice be damned science wizard was working for the demon Obama! We shoved our divine might in his anus and he exploded, I landed the final blow. Of course he threatened he would come back so I shit in his mouth til he died. We made some frightening discoveries going through his paper work…I'll have to spend some time going through these and find out what this has in store for Chad's Adventuring Troupe.

Adventure Log: Athuran Part 2
Episode 19: Dicks for Acorns?

The company sent us back down to Athuran, last time we were here Smookle fucking destroyed the main city and got all of the residence murdered by being an inept turd-looter, this time the company was smart enough to not include him on the mission, since he's basically public enemy number one on this planet and would probably be burnt at the stake for even setting foot there again….now that I think about it, I wish they would have let him come. So we fly over to their second biggest settlement, I don't even remember what it was called, it made the last place look like an upper middle class neighborhood in comparison though, poverty was off the charts and the stench was horrendous. Before we could even make it to the tavern where we were spoused to stay we got attacked by, like, twelve million deformed shit rats, that isn't a colorful euphemism like I would normally use…that's actually what they were.  Since it was just Desmond, Eggs and I we had a hard time, I mean I didn't, I can fucking fly….they got mauled by shit rats though and probably have rabies or something. If anyone knows where I could find a good vet I should probably take Eggs in for a check up….you know what, never mind I'll just get a new dog if she dies. After the scuffle we proceeded to trash tavern where we stayed the night, basically the worse place ever and I could complain about the accommodations continuously for three weeks before I'd even get to half of what was wrong with the cum-stained piss-bucket. Not only did it smell like rotten centipede sauce but it also got attacked in the middle of the night by a bunch of big swamp thing looking cucks that spoke in grunts…they were probably just a college football team that had a few too many and rolled themselves in seaweed, but instead of demasking them the gang decided to just kill the .0 GPA jock-lickers. Once we had the battle under control I trailed one of them that was running off to a cavern….that was, like, hours away. Those left-handed, goat-fuckers could have just set up camp outside of town, it's not like the people here were going to stop them, they were a bunch of famished fart huffers who couldn't fight off a caterpillar….it's amazing the deformed shit rats hadn't killed all of them already. I flew back to town to get Desmond and Eggs with plans to take the Mosquito over to the cave. They had already talked to the village elders when I made it back and said we had to go visit some slut named "Dicks for Acorns". This bitch was basically some weeaboos blow up doll with all the personality you'd expect out of a vegan-hippy with a gluten intolerance. After learning that the stupid cunt actually picked that name for herself we all laughed at her moronic choices. Acorns for Tits tried to strike up a friendship with my dog, but I told that bitch "Don't touch my fucking dog you anorexic sausage factory" she backed the fuck off real quick. She told us her master had went missing, he had a stupid fucking name too, it was like, Balls in mouth…or um….Rocky Mountain Oyster….some gay shit like that. We all went to the cave, along with Acorns and her brother…I can't remember what his name was, he was actually mentally handicapped so I'm not going to make fun of him too much, but he did smell like sewage mixed with synthetic vomit. Once we got to the cave Acorn sucker did some useless pagan ritual to let us enter safely, it was a cringe fest and everyone wanted to die just watching the try hard, butter-face felate a bunch of rocks. I tricked her brother into just running into the place by shaking my ass as him a little bit, the rock hard retard rambled in uncaring about his certain death….I figured he could spring all the traps for us at least, also putting down the mentally challenged is the right thing to do, the last thing you want them to do is have a chance to breed and it was fairly obvious at this point that he and his sister Acorns were having an incestuous relationship with one another…also hippies don't use condoms….maybe she wasn't just a fat, sloppy, cunt after all….she could have had a baby that was missing a few chromosomes baking in her STD infested oven, whatever. Acorns ran in after her disgusting husband/brother….we all took our time. We had to swim though some water so I finally got a chance to show off my new mermaid swim dress….yeah, that's a thing, It's called fashion look it up. I looked like a fucking gorgeous mermaid coming up out of that water, I wish we would have had some of those magical selfie cams from Dier Bestia around to capture my majesty, of course I accomplished this feat of looking so cute without that fishy smell…unlike Acorns who wreaked of fish and hairy armpit BO. As we got to the other side of the cave river Acorns and Dum Dum were being totally raped by tentacle monsters with low standards. Instead of just standing by watching the bad henti we bitch slapped the monsters and saved the idiots…of course they didn't thank us, poor people don't know what manners are. I flew up through the rest of the cave and tied off a rope so the party could go forward. We ended up facing off with Acorns old master Nuts in Mouth or whatever, he summoned some zombies and stuff, yawn, easy. He tried to stay invisible and hide from us but I just paced the entire place ran into the old pervert and socked the shit out of him until he fell unconscious. Since it seemed like he was possessed or something Eggs healed the guy up, he seemed better, whatever, I'm fucking done with this…we got the contract…who the fuck cares….does anyone even read these things? I'm wasting my fucking time. 

-Sister Goldenwine


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