Spelljammer: The Green Bottle Trading Company

Adventure Log: Flat World
Episode 20: Literal vampire, potbelly, goblins

This mission by far was the most righteous and blessed by the Narrator. We were sent to speak with a dark skinned wizard, who's name is not important (Parallax), on the light side of the Flat world in the Razy Sphere. We arrived on the outskirts of the town Katzazz and approached to a scene of a divine oration heralding the pending doom of this planets way of life to little green men who appear from rocks and eat babies. Of course we were perturbed by the revelation of this news and immediately wanted to find the wizard and see what we could do to help. To our surprise, at least to my companions surprise (nothing surprises me, poor asses), the wizard approached us during the oration and beckoned us back to his tower. Of course we follow since this is the person that requested that we come to this planet. Obviously I was leery of this smooth talking, towel wearing darkie but we followed him nonetheless. Long story short, he propositioned us to kill Alex Bones, the man preaching to the town, because of science. I immediately knew this was bullshit so I told the troupe that we were going to talk to Alex and not kill him. Being the leader they of course did what I told them. Though it would have been nice to have Smookle help me keep the crazy scro from doing crazy shit but I digress. Alex was a soothsayer whom received his direction from the almighty Narrator, divine be his name. After hearing Alex explain what was happening again we knew we had to help. We followed him and some strange gnome named Gnome (pronounced No-May) who had a weird fascination with pointing us in the right direction. We eventually came upon some rocks that lead us deep into the earth (roughly 15 feet) and we emerged in a scorched land of fire and brimstone filled with literal vampire potbelly goblins. They approached, we let out or righteous fury on their bodies, they died. Alex was magnificent, bade dripping with the blood of our enemies, stealing all my Narrator damned kills…asshole. Thank the Narrator Desmond isn't a pacifist anymore, I thought I was going to have to fire him for being a lil bitch, for we sure needed his help in cleansing this land. If only Smookle was there to revel in the blood bath. Eventually we made our way down town to a factory where they were harvesting demons from babies' bodies. We slaughtered all we came across, unfortunately we were unable to save any of the children. Finally we confronted the leader of these hedonistic scum and wouldn't ya know, that thrice be damned science wizard was working for the demon Obama! We shoved our divine might in his anus and he exploded, I landed the final blow. Of course he threatened he would come back so I shit in his mouth til he died. We made some frightening discoveries going through his paper work…I'll have to spend some time going through these and find out what this has in store for Chad's Adventuring Troupe.

Adventure Log: Athuran Part 2
Episode 19: Dicks for Acorns?

The company sent us back down to Athuran, last time we were here Smookle fucking destroyed the main city and got all of the residence murdered by being an inept turd-looter, this time the company was smart enough to not include him on the mission, since he's basically public enemy number one on this planet and would probably be burnt at the stake for even setting foot there again….now that I think about it, I wish they would have let him come. So we fly over to their second biggest settlement, I don't even remember what it was called, it made the last place look like an upper middle class neighborhood in comparison though, poverty was off the charts and the stench was horrendous. Before we could even make it to the tavern where we were spoused to stay we got attacked by, like, twelve million deformed shit rats, that isn't a colorful euphemism like I would normally use…that's actually what they were.  Since it was just Desmond, Eggs and I we had a hard time, I mean I didn't, I can fucking fly….they got mauled by shit rats though and probably have rabies or something. If anyone knows where I could find a good vet I should probably take Eggs in for a check up….you know what, never mind I'll just get a new dog if she dies. After the scuffle we proceeded to trash tavern where we stayed the night, basically the worse place ever and I could complain about the accommodations continuously for three weeks before I'd even get to half of what was wrong with the cum-stained piss-bucket. Not only did it smell like rotten centipede sauce but it also got attacked in the middle of the night by a bunch of big swamp thing looking cucks that spoke in grunts…they were probably just a college football team that had a few too many and rolled themselves in seaweed, but instead of demasking them the gang decided to just kill the .0 GPA jock-lickers. Once we had the battle under control I trailed one of them that was running off to a cavern….that was, like, hours away. Those left-handed, goat-fuckers could have just set up camp outside of town, it's not like the people here were going to stop them, they were a bunch of famished fart huffers who couldn't fight off a caterpillar….it's amazing the deformed shit rats hadn't killed all of them already. I flew back to town to get Desmond and Eggs with plans to take the Mosquito over to the cave. They had already talked to the village elders when I made it back and said we had to go visit some slut named "Dicks for Acorns". This bitch was basically some weeaboos blow up doll with all the personality you'd expect out of a vegan-hippy with a gluten intolerance. After learning that the stupid cunt actually picked that name for herself we all laughed at her moronic choices. Acorns for Tits tried to strike up a friendship with my dog, but I told that bitch "Don't touch my fucking dog you anorexic sausage factory" she backed the fuck off real quick. She told us her master had went missing, he had a stupid fucking name too, it was like, Balls in mouth…or um….Rocky Mountain Oyster….some gay shit like that. We all went to the cave, along with Acorns and her brother…I can't remember what his name was, he was actually mentally handicapped so I'm not going to make fun of him too much, but he did smell like sewage mixed with synthetic vomit. Once we got to the cave Acorn sucker did some useless pagan ritual to let us enter safely, it was a cringe fest and everyone wanted to die just watching the try hard, butter-face felate a bunch of rocks. I tricked her brother into just running into the place by shaking my ass as him a little bit, the rock hard retard rambled in uncaring about his certain death….I figured he could spring all the traps for us at least, also putting down the mentally challenged is the right thing to do, the last thing you want them to do is have a chance to breed and it was fairly obvious at this point that he and his sister Acorns were having an incestuous relationship with one another…also hippies don't use condoms….maybe she wasn't just a fat, sloppy, cunt after all….she could have had a baby that was missing a few chromosomes baking in her STD infested oven, whatever. Acorns ran in after her disgusting husband/brother….we all took our time. We had to swim though some water so I finally got a chance to show off my new mermaid swim dress….yeah, that's a thing, It's called fashion look it up. I looked like a fucking gorgeous mermaid coming up out of that water, I wish we would have had some of those magical selfie cams from Dier Bestia around to capture my majesty, of course I accomplished this feat of looking so cute without that fishy smell…unlike Acorns who wreaked of fish and hairy armpit BO. As we got to the other side of the cave river Acorns and Dum Dum were being totally raped by tentacle monsters with low standards. Instead of just standing by watching the bad henti we bitch slapped the monsters and saved the idiots…of course they didn't thank us, poor people don't know what manners are. I flew up through the rest of the cave and tied off a rope so the party could go forward. We ended up facing off with Acorns old master Nuts in Mouth or whatever, he summoned some zombies and stuff, yawn, easy. He tried to stay invisible and hide from us but I just paced the entire place ran into the old pervert and socked the shit out of him until he fell unconscious. Since it seemed like he was possessed or something Eggs healed the guy up, he seemed better, whatever, I'm fucking done with this…we got the contract…who the fuck cares….does anyone even read these things? I'm wasting my fucking time. 

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Dier Bestia
Episode 18: Never Hit A Girl You Monster!

So I'd like to start this log out right, and point out that I got that ass-munching, anal gravity-bong Smookle demoted. I would have been happier if he was fired but, I guess I'll have to continue to deal with cat piss beard a while longer. Also, we have a new manager now, Chad, he's super fuckin' rich, his dad is like, the guy who owns the company, and that's super hot. Sure he's about as tall as a malnourished 4 year old and probably has a dick smaller than my thumb but with that kind of money he can hire full time wizards to cast enlargement spells on his baby wiener all day for the rest of time. Anyways, we go down to this planet Dier Bestia, apparently they run some sort of storage business but also do hunting excursions? Makes about as much sense as a funeral parlor-mini golf storefront, actually I take that back, funeral parlor-mini golf is a much better idea. What sort of tater-titted chuckle-fuck put this can of shit muffins together? Well I'll tell you who…Charles and his son Charles JR. These Jizz-inhaling douche-kazoos were literal giant retards, standing at roughly thirty feet tall and having the brain mass of a coakroach who attended inner city public schools. We got down to brass tacks pretty quick. Some fart-knockers didn't come back from a hunting trip, go find them, like, whatever. So we jumped through the hoops, the best part of the whole thing was getting to take cute selfies after every kill, finally I get some recognition for pulling the parties weight through all these fights…and girl let me tell you, I looked SO FUCKING HOT in those pics, I'm going to have them framed and put up in my private museum/temple to myself that my new husband Chad is going to buy me, so everyone can worship me like the goddess I am. Moving on, we found the fart-knockers we were looking for after I single handedly took down a dragon, no sweat, I wanted a reward for saving him but the turd-farmer was so broke he couldn't even give us one, the urine-gargling bug chewer was additionally ungrateful as fuck…we pretty much all wanted to kick his ass so he ran through our portal back to the lodge and hid like a bitch. Charles was willing to sign the contract at that point, but offered us a "bonus round" in hopes we'd die and he'd get to keep our gear and sell it…of course I knew this was going on but he underestimated how much of a alpha bitch savage I am so we decided to take the additional fight once he promised us treasure. This is where shit got serious, all of the other fights Smookle was the only one getting his ass handed to him, because he's a huge pedo-midget scum-sucker with a glass jaw covered in pussies….but during the bonus round I actually got hit, that's right, the feral, misogynist queef-burger of a gnoll we were facing actually fucking hit me! Can you believe that shit? After that I went full turbo-dyke and ripped his balls off, I wish I could go back in time and give his mother a steel toed cunt punt so he would have never existed. Don't ever hit a fucking lady! Ever! If you do I'll beat your entire family to death with a rock,  eat your incestuous ankle-biters so your genes can't survive, and then shit their digested flesh into Smookles mouth while he's sleeping so he asphyxiates on my excrement and dies too. I like to kill two birds with one stone, sometimes literally. We headed back to Charles, victorious and ready for our bonus round treasure and then that cunt licking, ass wrangling, faggot whore, cock blowing, bitch hoe tried to give us STORE CREDIT!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!??!? That ugly, albino, foever alone guy went into a rage and started attacking him, I honestly don't blame the tard, Charles fucking deserved that….of course he didn't stand a chance and got eveserated by Charles, that usually happens when someone is thirty feet taller than you. Charles tried to be nice and heal him but in true fuck boi fashion, drunk on rage the ranger went at him again….this time I just slapped the fuck out of him, night night bitch. We were all pretty pissed with Charles being such a thunder-cunt but we decided to bite out tongues and have him sign the contract so we could move past this shit hole. That bastard is officially on my shit list though and one of these days I'm going to come back and castrate him with a plastic butter knife. 

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Athuran
Episode 17: Managerial Mishaps

Holy fucking dog farts, I don't even know where to start with this fuck baggery. Just, wow….like wow. This was worse than that time Rebecca McSluto sat next to me in the lunch room and shit her pants….like….way worse. So we go down to this impoverished piss flap of a planet, we're just, like, supposed to get our paperwork signed, easy job, eazy life. That thunder cunt Smookle managed to fuck everything, his ability to suck beholder knob at all tasks surpasses that of mortals and he's honestly probably some demi-god of autism in disguise. We made our way into town, everyone was running around like retarded gerbils in a nuclear wasteland full of gerbil raping pedophiles, there we met some douchey knight dude who wasn't important at all….he smelled less poor than everyone else but still reeked of poverty and chicken nuggets….same thing by the way. Mick was our contact, total jizz stain, also poor as fuck. We met up with the new temps and Mick McFuckboi told us to check out some fort or whatever, we did. Our scrote humping wiz temp decided he wanted to die, I don't blame him, If I was an ugly poor nerd I'd want to die too…so he went in the fort first trying to get raped by demons…success. In the end I kicked the shit out of all the demons and the little ugo goblin "Eggs" healed everyone up…the goblin kid was pretty cute in a way though, like, when a dog is really ugly but it's sort of cute because it's disgustingly ugly…so I put the flea ridden gutter child in my bag, accessorizing is the key to any outfit and it matched my new winged stiletto boots, so ya. We found a little kid in the tower of the fort we were pretty sure that her parents were dead and Smookle kept reinterating that to her because he's a sick monster. I thought it would be funny to convince her she was a powerful adventurer…it was…I mean, It wasn't a joke, I was boosting her low self esteem…she's a ginger…and doesn't have a soul…she needed it, also she's officially my first initiate into the Fisting Sisters, gonna make fuckin' bank off that kid. After that we went back to Mick "the choad artist" McFuckup, but he wasn't there so we talked to that stupid less poor chicken nugget fucker, he told us to talk to some mercenary dwarves….whatever. The dwarves were stupider than elephant rimjobs and weren't very helpful, Mick was there smelling up the place as well. This is the point where shlong shitter….I mean Smookle decided to wreck everything, he wanted to strong arm the dwarven mercenaries and of course he's a giant, pussy bearded, dwarf, forever alone, crack monkey so they just laughed at him and left instead of helping defend the town from demons. We headed back to town without the very nice and reasonable mercenaries, who I don't blame at all for leaving after the way Smookle was towards them. Coming up on the town it was pretty obvious that is was on fire, more on fire than a halflings asshole after eating orcish curry slathered in red dragon baby gravy. Mick was freaking out so I flew him into town and at his request dropped the smeghead in the middle of a demon murder orgy….he died. The party tried to fight the demons off because they can't do math and thought they could kill, like, 15 of the bollock-faced pricks. Smookle almost died, sadly he lived to fuck things up again. I left to grab the ship so I could maximize the number of homeless dick-cheese junkie towns people we could save. The party retreated too, I wasn't there but everyone said while they were getting away Smookle went full retard and pushed that chicken nugget dude off the cart to be killed by trailing demons, of course that poor basilisk faced butt-mucher was the leader of the town now and the only one that could sign the paper work….so it's one hundred percent Smookles fault that we failed, just sayin'. The party got into it with some edgelordian weeb while I grabbed the ship, they were obviously getting their shit kicked in by the mega faggot so I did a low fly by, grabbed the over weight, fadorah wearing, tub of lard and rocketed off into the sky where I promptly dropped him to his death, just for good measure I blew him up the ships catapult as well. Went back, saved everyone, recruited more Fisting Sisters out the survivors…they're going to help run the Man-o-War. Smookle wanted to kill himself because he fucked up so bad but I talked him out of ritual suicide because I'm SUCH A NICE FUCKING PERSON THAT DESERVES A PROMOTION!  

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Psychosis
Episode 16: Summer Camps and Seppuku

Some questions dont need to be answered. It started with a request by corporate to check out a potential investment opportunity in the Phadak Sphere on a planet called Psychosis. I thought I'd have a chance to throw my weight around since I'm now considered to be manager, but that turned out about as well as you'd expect, what with the cat beard and all.

We first met one of the counselors who immediately brought us to what seemed to be a man made by a committee that's only goal was to make a racist caricature by the name of Fredrik Castoni. Just a feeling I've got though, he had a weird accent that I've never heard. After I asserted dominance by threatening to pull the investment, this seemed to work quite well but he seemed to be hiding something. I wish it had stayed hidden…

We were then taken on a tour of what we were told was a summer camp, which we all assumed that meant we'd have to deal with children, but to our collective surprise none were apparent the whole trip. We eventually ran across a suspicous bearded fisherman named fisherman Dave whom I tried to help fish with my thai world trident. But he only expressed annoyance and dissappointment, which seemed like something I was used to from him even though we had never met.

Eventually we met a strange she-wolf dwarf and an elf named Kasandra and Tamara respectively. Even though I'd never met this dwarf she seemed strangely familiar, dare I say disturbingly familiar. Our interaction was as brief and as awkward as you'd imagine though and our ADD addled party went on to the next shiny interaction. We toured the rest of the camp with notable highlights such as the cafeteria, death cliff, and alchoholic's cabin.

We eventually tuckered ourselves out, as a result of a days worth of half retarded banter with this planets denizens. While the party slept I used my hat of disguise to assume the form of that strange she-wolf that we had encountered earlier. We bonded through howls. Thats super wierd to say out loud… Eventually I fell asleep and had one of the more moderately scary dreams that I had where Lee Ann told me that I didnt have to do it. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had a feeling deep down that I deserved whatever it was.

The next day some suicide shenanigans ensued, and I may or may not have reflexively axed someone in the face. Thats not important though, things started getting fuzzy after that but the jist of it was that Fisherman Dave is my dad and he isn't particulary thrilled about it. Honestly neither am I but who gets to pick their parents am I right? I also found out that Kasandra is my sister, which I'm okay with. We seem to be a mammal themed family which may or may not explain the cat beard. Thats unconfirmed though…

While going through these revelations we kept hearing about some sort of Master fellow. While the general consensus amongst my family and the general populace was that this was a bad idea, we in true Green Bottle Trading Company tradition decided to do it anyways. And thus we ventured to a cave in which if you believe it or not things got wierder.

Upon arriving at the caves we finally did something that we were at least somewhat competant at and fought monsters. Thank god they didn't turn out to be related to me because they were gelatinous and stalagtitey. Unless they were. In which case we also killed my family. Eventually we defeated said maybe family and proceeded on to a small house in the cave. This is where we discovered the true purpose of the summer camp,

Inside we met the most polite Illithid that Ive ever met, named Srom. Apparently hes some kind of Commie panzy because he decided to go all Illithid vegan and shit. Which basically means if something screams in and understandable language he won't eat it. So after he revealed that he was the Illithid version of Zoloft on this planet and he was the being preventing mass suicide we decided to provide him with animals to satiate his hunger. This would prevent further sepuku and also make sure that our Suicide Prevention Summer Camp Tm could stay in business.

Honestly Im confused as shit. Apparently I have a family that needs to be prevented from killing themselves, and I also seem to have previously display this tendency. But I have no recollection of why I was dropped as a child on Thai World, and Im pretty sure my real dad doesnt love me. But that depressingly enough is the only thing that has made sense this entire expidition. whatever, maybe Ill find some real answers maybe I wont. It would probably be best if I didn't though…

Dictated To And Translated By Reginald The Caveman, Log by Smookle Hork

Adventure Log: Wet World
Episode 15: Tacos and Tigers

Alright, so, um I don't even know why I have to, like…um do this fucking jizz can, dumpster fire of a job and I'm pretty sure my manager is actually supposed to do this shit….but what the fuck ever, that pussy face dwarf is a cunt wagon full of dildo dinosaurs and didn't even go on this mission. So we landed on this planet called Wet World, I know what you're thinking, that name is more retarded than your inbred cousin Steve who eats his own boogers and masturbates to lawn furniture….I agree. After ten minutes of contemplating how to hang myself with my tampon string we cruised down the beach and met up with our contact fuckin' stupid surfer hobo fuck boi, I mean, Surf Tiger. After asserting dominance by shitting on the surf hobo's floor, breakfast cereal boy sent us on a GRRRREEEEAAAAAAATTTTTTT mission to, like, save some fish faggots so they could make tacos. I mean, I like tacos as much as the next Fisting Sister but who the fuck cares! We surfed underwater with magical snorkels that we got from that diaper wearing anus dictator Surf Tiger, even their magical items were mentally handicapped. I beat the ever living fuck out of some dandy vomit-ass sharks, everyone else basically just watched…those god damned crusty rat taints. After that we found an underwater cave, inside was a penguin guy with OCD swimming around in circles…the cunt herpy wouldn't stop making waves so we could pass…we ended his life, I hope he gets raped in hell by sentient pineapple men wielding Gatling gun strap ons.  Further into the cave we ran into the communist polar bear forever alone maggot piper who kidnapped the fish filets for whatever reason. Communism cuts into my profits and I wasn't having that shit, so with a little help from Kevin we robbed the commie crap sickle of his life just like he was going to rob the upper class of their wealth. We realeased the taco making skank troop, and went back to erection herder….I mean Surf Tiger. Butt hole licker decided that saving his frat fish fuck foreigners wasn't enough and challenged Drake to a surf competition….Drake won, because Surf Tiger is the worst at literally everything and the universe would be a better place if he never existed. Kevin did the contract paperwork while I snuck into Surf Tigers house and shit in his pillows.

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Shenyar
Episode 14: Early Retirment

Finally it seems as if the company has got their affairs in order and we were sent to the planet of Shenyar within the Phadak sphere, it's about time that we had a job without months of useless travel time, after this adventure I've realized just how precious time really is…..your whole life can slip away from you in the blink of an eye, sometimes literally. The party awaited my return with the new intern, some elderly gnome who was as annoying as he was useless. I wish the company would give us adventurers that would actually add something to the group instead of wasting our time and being inattentive fools. With the new intern in tow we set off to Shenyar, this was not to be a contractual mission instead we were to investigate and help remove a strange tower that had appeared outside of town. The town itself was fairly well mannered, a bit dank, but well mannered none the less…with the exception of a wizard who was buy peoples secrets and selling them to demons, I of course didn't partake in this and made a mental note to come back and shoo the wrong doer off after we were done, as long as we had the time. After a short meeting with the town mayor and a quick stop by the local tavern to gather a guide for the trip we headed off towards the mysterious tower. As we were leaving town a strange young boy began to accompany us, he jumped on the druid and started riding him, I of course attempted remove the boy from the bear formed druid….he then pulled a sword on me and things escalated. In the end it was actually the new intern Basil…..the doofus seemed to think I was just going to know that he changed himself into a child…and for whatever reason pulled arms on me first instead of telling me…please, if anyone at the corporate office is reading these reports, these interns are unacceptably stupid, get it together. After that debacle we continued on to the tower. I attempted to knock…Fuzzy decided to do some breaking and entering. The tower was filled with all manner of puzzles…many of which were easy to understand, as long as you weren't an intern…they seems to have no idea how to solve anything. The worst of these rooms contained four clockwork golems of some kind, the room itself was a large clock and we could only damage the creatures when the hand of the clock was facing them…they however could damage us at all times, with the added effect of stealing YEARS of our lives with each hit, I lost nearly forty years from only a few attacks….Basil was of course useless in the combat, even after repeated instruction he still failed to grasp the VERY simple puzzle and continued to attack invincible golems. After a few more puzzle rooms we awoke in a medical room, our youth returned, and were given audience with the master of this tower, a member of a group called The Crimson Clergy,  time mages of great power. They informed me of the parties previous actions, the pact with Ms.Sparklegem and turning children into demons with her candy….I wrote up everyone involved immediately. The Crimson Clergy wish for us to undo our wrong doing and help save the sphere from the evil we've unleashed, I of course am going to do everything in my power to help them, not only is it the right thing to do but we don't need the GBTC getting a bad name but doing such vile deals. After everything was sorted we returned to town and struck a fresh deal with the mayor to help them unload some of their excess trees at no cost to them, this is the most lucrative trade deal we've managed and as such I've elected to stay on the planet and oversee it along with Fuzzy and the new idiots…I mean interns….Gods help us. Before the party left us I had them assist me in running off the secret purchasing, demon worshiping, evil wizard, he to my dismay, evaded our capture, disappearing to another plane once we became hostile. I doubt he'll be back, but if he does return I'll be here waiting. 

-Bartholomew J. Crawford III

Adventure Log- Vundervar
Episode 13: Candy, Demons, Child trafficking. Oh my.

The company has sent us to the planet Vundervar. A small Germanic town plagued by their own troubles, as to be expected from simple peasants. Upon touching down outside of the town we made our way into the town proper to be deafened by the rabble and ruckus of peasants. To our awe they were attempting to burn a man at the steak for "stealing" children. Preposterous if you ask me. He was a learned man, their only qualified member for instruction in the higher points of life such as reading and arithmetic.  After convincing their captain of the guard to stave off the hoard of knuckle draggers and mouth breathers we further convinced them to let us handle the problem for a trade contract. Through a series of deliberate and fully thought out inquiries/questions we deduced that a candy maker just out of town might be responsible. We ventured out and questioned this conjurer of snacks and found her to be no real threat. After watching my companions stand around dumbfounded, I believe Smookle was muttering something, I came up with the brilliant plan to gather the children and use them as bait. After getting permission from the parents and using the inn as the grounds for our operation Smookle volunteered to disguise himself as a child and watch them as the night went on. Odd for a grown dwarf to volunteer for that sort of work but who am I to question? Shortly after nightfall the children adopted a zombified state and wandered into the forest where we followed. They made their way to the candy maker, Miss Sparklegem. Secreted underneath her wagon was a secret passage that lead deep into a rotten wooded area seemingly inside a cave. There was a child in the middle of a clearing doubled over in pain as we inquisitively watched with fascination. Shortly after our arrival she exploded in a crimson mist and standing there was a demon of an origin I was unfamiliar with. Seeing as how demons are lethal we opted in to combat to thwart this threat immediately. After engaging the demon started to create other demons via removing limbs and regenerating full new demons. Alas we were victorious thanks to my powerful magicks and were able to delve deeper into this weird forested cave. Inside we found Miss Sparklegem conversing with Haelthezu, the demon whom stole fuzzy's knob. Long story short they were creating these demons by giving the children this magical candy she was making. We initiated dialog and came to the agreement to help them gather children to create more demons. We had better not tell Bartholemew…I am for sure we would all get written up.

-Kevin Jack

Adventure Log: Cold World
Episode 12: Worlds of Genocide

The company has once again sent us to an entirely new sphere, showcasing its inefficiency to the fullest extent. With the amount of travel time we've wasted during this cycle we could have easily achieved three or four more contracts. However, given our travel time to and from the Razy Sphere it was obvious this would be our last attempt this cycle at securing a contract. We took haste and landed on Cold World as soon as we were able. The planet was….cold…really…really cold in fact, and while the planet's name lacked any glimmer of originality it most defiantly was a solid description of the frozen tundra. After a short time in the local market buying tourist targeted polar bear wear from the indigenous gnolls we headed inwards, away from their nonsensical mouth noise music, and spoke with the leaders of their tribe. The tribal leaders were not what we expected, instead of being gnolls they were instead cis, white, human, males with a strong sense of business and questionable morality…as one would expect. The two leaders spoke with us briefly about their plans to start a polar bear theme park, and bring genocide to the polar bears in order to make useless hats and t-shirts. Of course this idea was idiotic, but somehow their white privilege had gotten them to a position of such power that the bulk of the planet was in their support. I of course did my usual "Sure, I'll help you." bit and the party was soon tasked to go and slay some do good rangers trying to save the polar bears. We headed up after our "prey" will full intent to assist them instead, we happened upon one of the polar bears first however. To everyone's surprise but my own the polar bears were intelligent and capable of speech….well perhaps intelligent is a strong term given their Hawaiian shirt fetish.  After a few exchanged words we managed to gain the bears trust and were pointed in the direction of the rangers Steve and Andy. We met up with the two men, obviously being oppressed by the cis, white, male corporate executives who didn't agree with their lifestyle choices…and offered to assist them retaking the planet for the polar bears. We stayed the night with Steve and Andy to ride out an incoming storm and the next day met with the leader of the polar bears, after finishing a short scuffle with a gnoll scout troop. Together we planned our assault on the gnoll village. We won, they were push overs….sure the "humans" turned out to be frost giants in disguise, but that didn't change anything…they were just even larger cis, white, males and got what they deserved…their asses handed to them. After our victory we signed a trade contract with the bears and are ready to help them mine their planet into oblivion while we all get rich, the good and honest way, where nobody gets hurt.

-Bartholomew J. Crawford III

Adventure Log: Eryle
Episode 11: Mirror Mirror on the wall....

Eryle was our next endeavor, unlike our normal contractual missions this was to be a simple pick up. One of the GBTC's higher ups had apparently ordered a magic mirror of some sort from the planet but had yet to receive the shipment, and as we happened to be in the area he asked us to pick it up for him. This would have been a simple task…if everyone in the village hadn't disappeared. The quaint little village was also on fire! Most defiantly on fire…before we got there…no arson was involved by us. Just wanted to make that clear, because burning down unattended villages is not something my team would ever do. Now that we have that out of the way we can continue on with this story. As we searched the remaining buildings for clues we found paperwork showing the location of the mirror we were searching for, we followed the paper trail to a mountain side carved into….hmmm what was it carved into again? It was probably a skull or something like that, skulls seem to be a common thing to carve into a mountainside…so we'll go with that. Inside we met a sickly looking man hanging around an edgy looking altar, he said some things of little importance, died, and we continued down the corridor. Reginald and I snuck ahead and scouted the room, it was full of treasure and also housed the mirror we came for, surprisingly it was unguarded. I was of course skeptical of this situation, expecting the mirror to do some sort of evil magic, I decided to cover it with a blanket….which promptly caught on fire. I'm just throwing out a hypothesis at this point but perhaps that's what burnt down part of the village? Seems plausible, yes lets go with that, it most defiantly was not our party, that would be silly. Of course the mirror was some sort of portal into the abyss and we were forced to do battle with a disgusting goo covered tree demon that nearly destroyed us all….Reginald sustained a minor concussion as well, but given his condition I doubt the loss of a few brain cells will effect him. Obviously we managed to vanquish the demon. We then safely loaded the mirror onto our ship…hopefully it wont open another gate to the abyss while its aboard our vessel…seriously, I want this thing off my ship as soon as possible. 

-Bartholomew J. Crawford III


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