Spelljammer: The Green Bottle Trading Company

Adventure Log: Trailer World
Episode 24: Meepo > Surf Tiger

This adventure made Meepo really happy, We went to Trailer World, it reminded Meepo of home, but with more domestic abuse and beer….two things that go hand and hand. So we go to planet to do whatever we was doing, Meepo wasn't really paying attention, everyone here has nice beer box armor, very fashionable. Meepo started talking to people to see what was going on, it was weird, because nobody here seemed to hate Meepo, he fit in pretty good, I guess they wasn't very smart either. We found Surf Tiger in town, Meepo likes Surf Tiger, because he's the only person in the universe that everyone hates more than Meepo, Meepo understands why, he's pretty much the worst, at least Meepo has some redemable qualities….like….um….Anyways, Surf Tiger told us to go overthrow communist guy who runs the place, said we has to do wrestling tournament or something, I guess he couldn't do it because he's a big coward….Meepo isn't really one to talk though, he's a big coward too….just not as big as Surf Tiger, he's the biggest coward. So we went and fought in tournament thingy, well Meepo didn't, he got hitted once and ran away like a Surf Tiger. Party pulled though though and beat up all the other guys, they're so strong, much stronger than Meepo and WAY stronger than crappy Surf Tiger. After that we sneaked in….snucked in? Snooked in? Snuck in? Smookled in? Whatever, we went though the locker room and everyone fighted the big bad guy in a scary cage match, King Hydra summoned a bunch of dinos to protect the party and Meepo, they eated all the bad dudes…especially the communist polar bears, those guys didn't stand a chance, communism is only slightly stronger than Surf Tiger and Meepo so it couldn't stand against King Hydra. That was pretty much it, we has trade with them now, Meepo wants to go back and visit sometime, it feels weird when everyone sucks as much as you….Meepo likes weird stuff…..and puppies, Meepo loves puppies. 

Adventure Log: Oliphant
Episode 23: Gears and Beers

This adventure was real important, that's what Greenbottle guy said over the funny magic orb. We was told to go to planet and get contract and also to take care of "problem". Meepo wasn't sure what problem was, got a little scared to be honest, Meepo thought maybe he was "problem" and his friends was going to beat him up and leave him stranded. That didn't happen though, but it probably should have because Meepo is "problem" and deserves that sort of treatment. There was another group on the funny metal gear planet already when we got there, they were "douche bags" Meepo thinks that's what Kevin said, he real smart so it must be true. Everyone had good time drinking, Meepo had one drink and went to sleep in the ship because rooms at the inn were too nice for Meepo and he didn't want to smell up the place being a gross lizard boy. In the morning the douche bags were gone…guess they could smell stinky Meepo even though he slept in the ship. We went to talk with important guy about problem and getting a contract, he gave us lots of papers to write on….too many paper. Kevin said he didn't want to and we all went to take care of problem at gear metal planet core with maintenance guy…took four days by train…everyone was drunk entire time…besides Meepo, he can't drink good and get's beat up my liquids sometimes. Once we got to place we was going we found funny cultists chanting and screaming "We love Satan, we want to eat babies" Meepo don't know who Satan is but everyone said he's a nice guy so Meepo understand. Cultist guys got mad that Meepo was so ugly and attacked the party. Meepo got knocked out before fight….probably a strong gust of wind or something…sometimes that happens because Meepo is the weakest pile of useless garbage in existence. King Hydra save Meepo again….thanks King Hydra you the best god ever and Meepo loves you…even if you poop in his pockets. After Meepo get up from being knocked out everyone went further into the gear place and found more cultists. They summoned a big crazy monster tentacle baby so they could eat him and get his power and stuff….the maintenance guy did some funny magic stuff and turned into a sexy lady boy in a kawaii school girl outfit….Meepo blacked out because he was so scared, girls make Meepo nervous…even when they have wieners. When Meepo got back up he saw King Hydra's claw in the sky above him…King Hydra did a god abortion and now everyone knows King Hydra is a bad ass god and Meepo not lying about that…King Hydra is the best.

Adventure Log: Auctumnus
Episode 22: Corny Kids

Meepo no even read good, why is he writing adventure log? Don't know, probably deserve it though, Meepo is being punished for being so stupid and not helping good. Anyways we go to planet, meet with King man….he's obviously a bad guy, he wants Meepo and friends to kill his kids….not nice….but Meepo too much of bitch boy to stop him. We go to visit the kids, they live in their own town outside of other town. We got attacked by a monster guarding the kids town….Meepo ran and hid…everyone else took care of it, because Meepo is a big coward that can't really fight good…actually Meepo can't do anything good. Kids really nice, especially Jebediah…..all thirty of them. O yeah, Meepo almost forgot, basically the whole town was Jebediah, they said they all turned into him to be strong….Meepo wanted to be a Jebediah too but he was so weak he couldn't even be one. There was also a little girl that didn't want to be a Jebediah, guess she was already pretty strong by herself, probably could have at least beat up Meepo. We talked to Jebediah's for a long time, scary white orc man yelled at them for a long time, he kept saying "Fuck you!", Meepo kept running count of how many times…..one hundred and thirty four to be exact….of course Meepo can't count good so that's probably wrong. Anyways that little girls brother wanted to be strong so he became a Jebediah, little girl seemed upset about it and that made Meepo sad. Everyone went back to King with news that we weren't going to kill kids. He must have got mad and knocked Meepo out because Meepo doesn't remember what happened, King Hydra must have saved Meepo because when Meepo woke up all the bad guys was smashed…no thanks to weakling Meepo. With King dead the group got everything signed with the elder Jebediah and left….took the girl and her jebediah brother with us…because their planet wasn't very fun. Hopefully they have more fun on our ship with Meepo and all of his friends…well they're not really his friends, nobody likes Meepo.

Adventure Log: Flavin
Episode 21: Archaeology, Artifacts, and...Pedophilia?

So I'm going to make this short and sweet, just like me…except with smaller tits…actually it wont even have tits at all, sorry, that's probably a real let down…just like this job was. So we go down to Flavin and meet up with a bunch of fuckin poor boy seaweed huffing nerds who are playing in the dirt, of course they were all dirty and reeked of chicken nuggets as you'd expect. The first pencil pusher, who was completely unimportant, took us to meet up with Mavin…or Merik….or whatever his name was that was running the place, apparently he was a Greenbottle and Chad's uncle, Chad said the chomo, fuck boi, garbage tunicate, touched him when he was little….seemed pretty legit. Looking back I probably should have killed the pedo bear, then maybe Chad would finally propose to me….I mean we've gone though, like, five adventures together….dude has commitment issues…of course that's understandable when your uncle tickled your insides before you could even read. So the pederass tells us some crap about hobo goblins trying to rob their dig sight, why they want shit from the dirt is beyond my comprehension….just go to the store and buy new stuff, then it wont be all dirty you fucking twat gargoyles. As we're getting ready to take off and preform genocide on the hobo population faster than a government secretly releasing addictive drugs to their citizens, the hobos attack the camp…really original guys. Anyways long story short they tried to take some mirror that belonged to some lich queen….but I'm the only queen around here so I just murdered all of them and kept the mirror for myself….Chad's dumb ass child molesting uncle didn't even seem to care very much, I asked the tarded neck beard what it did and he gave me some summon demon nonsense…whatever, I told him the hobos stole it and kept it myself. It seemed like a cute makeup mirror, and sometimes my mascara runs a little when I'm punching the fuck out of poor people, fucking degenerates.   

Adventure Log: Flat World
Episode 20: Literal vampire, potbelly, goblins

This mission by far was the most righteous and blessed by the Narrator. We were sent to speak with a dark skinned wizard, who's name is not important (Parallax), on the light side of the Flat world in the Razy Sphere. We arrived on the outskirts of the town Katzazz and approached to a scene of a divine oration heralding the pending doom of this planets way of life to little green men who appear from rocks and eat babies. Of course we were perturbed by the revelation of this news and immediately wanted to find the wizard and see what we could do to help. To our surprise, at least to my companions surprise (nothing surprises me, poor asses), the wizard approached us during the oration and beckoned us back to his tower. Of course we follow since this is the person that requested that we come to this planet. Obviously I was leery of this smooth talking, towel wearing darkie but we followed him nonetheless. Long story short, he propositioned us to kill Alex Bones, the man preaching to the town, because of science. I immediately knew this was bullshit so I told the troupe that we were going to talk to Alex and not kill him. Being the leader they of course did what I told them. Though it would have been nice to have Smookle help me keep the crazy scro from doing crazy shit but I digress. Alex was a soothsayer whom received his direction from the almighty Narrator, divine be his name. After hearing Alex explain what was happening again we knew we had to help. We followed him and some strange gnome named Gnome (pronounced No-May) who had a weird fascination with pointing us in the right direction. We eventually came upon some rocks that lead us deep into the earth (roughly 15 feet) and we emerged in a scorched land of fire and brimstone filled with literal vampire potbelly goblins. They approached, we let out or righteous fury on their bodies, they died. Alex was magnificent, bade dripping with the blood of our enemies, stealing all my Narrator damned kills…asshole. Thank the Narrator Desmond isn't a pacifist anymore, I thought I was going to have to fire him for being a lil bitch, for we sure needed his help in cleansing this land. If only Smookle was there to revel in the blood bath. Eventually we made our way down town to a factory where they were harvesting demons from babies' bodies. We slaughtered all we came across, unfortunately we were unable to save any of the children. Finally we confronted the leader of these hedonistic scum and wouldn't ya know, that thrice be damned science wizard was working for the demon Obama! We shoved our divine might in his anus and he exploded, I landed the final blow. Of course he threatened he would come back so I shit in his mouth til he died. We made some frightening discoveries going through his paper work…I'll have to spend some time going through these and find out what this has in store for Chad's Adventuring Troupe.

Adventure Log: Athuran Part 2
Episode 19: Dicks for Acorns?

The company sent us back down to Athuran, last time we were here Smookle fucking destroyed the main city and got all of the residence murdered by being an inept turd-looter, this time the company was smart enough to not include him on the mission, since he's basically public enemy number one on this planet and would probably be burnt at the stake for even setting foot there again….now that I think about it, I wish they would have let him come. So we fly over to their second biggest settlement, I don't even remember what it was called, it made the last place look like an upper middle class neighborhood in comparison though, poverty was off the charts and the stench was horrendous. Before we could even make it to the tavern where we were spoused to stay we got attacked by, like, twelve million deformed shit rats, that isn't a colorful euphemism like I would normally use…that's actually what they were.  Since it was just Desmond, Eggs and I we had a hard time, I mean I didn't, I can fucking fly….they got mauled by shit rats though and probably have rabies or something. If anyone knows where I could find a good vet I should probably take Eggs in for a check up….you know what, never mind I'll just get a new dog if she dies. After the scuffle we proceeded to trash tavern where we stayed the night, basically the worse place ever and I could complain about the accommodations continuously for three weeks before I'd even get to half of what was wrong with the cum-stained piss-bucket. Not only did it smell like rotten centipede sauce but it also got attacked in the middle of the night by a bunch of big swamp thing looking cucks that spoke in grunts…they were probably just a college football team that had a few too many and rolled themselves in seaweed, but instead of demasking them the gang decided to just kill the .0 GPA jock-lickers. Once we had the battle under control I trailed one of them that was running off to a cavern….that was, like, hours away. Those left-handed, goat-fuckers could have just set up camp outside of town, it's not like the people here were going to stop them, they were a bunch of famished fart huffers who couldn't fight off a caterpillar….it's amazing the deformed shit rats hadn't killed all of them already. I flew back to town to get Desmond and Eggs with plans to take the Mosquito over to the cave. They had already talked to the village elders when I made it back and said we had to go visit some slut named "Dicks for Acorns". This bitch was basically some weeaboos blow up doll with all the personality you'd expect out of a vegan-hippy with a gluten intolerance. After learning that the stupid cunt actually picked that name for herself we all laughed at her moronic choices. Acorns for Tits tried to strike up a friendship with my dog, but I told that bitch "Don't touch my fucking dog you anorexic sausage factory" she backed the fuck off real quick. She told us her master had went missing, he had a stupid fucking name too, it was like, Balls in mouth…or um….Rocky Mountain Oyster….some gay shit like that. We all went to the cave, along with Acorns and her brother…I can't remember what his name was, he was actually mentally handicapped so I'm not going to make fun of him too much, but he did smell like sewage mixed with synthetic vomit. Once we got to the cave Acorn sucker did some useless pagan ritual to let us enter safely, it was a cringe fest and everyone wanted to die just watching the try hard, butter-face felate a bunch of rocks. I tricked her brother into just running into the place by shaking my ass as him a little bit, the rock hard retard rambled in uncaring about his certain death….I figured he could spring all the traps for us at least, also putting down the mentally challenged is the right thing to do, the last thing you want them to do is have a chance to breed and it was fairly obvious at this point that he and his sister Acorns were having an incestuous relationship with one another…also hippies don't use condoms….maybe she wasn't just a fat, sloppy, cunt after all….she could have had a baby that was missing a few chromosomes baking in her STD infested oven, whatever. Acorns ran in after her disgusting husband/brother….we all took our time. We had to swim though some water so I finally got a chance to show off my new mermaid swim dress….yeah, that's a thing, It's called fashion look it up. I looked like a fucking gorgeous mermaid coming up out of that water, I wish we would have had some of those magical selfie cams from Dier Bestia around to capture my majesty, of course I accomplished this feat of looking so cute without that fishy smell…unlike Acorns who wreaked of fish and hairy armpit BO. As we got to the other side of the cave river Acorns and Dum Dum were being totally raped by tentacle monsters with low standards. Instead of just standing by watching the bad henti we bitch slapped the monsters and saved the idiots…of course they didn't thank us, poor people don't know what manners are. I flew up through the rest of the cave and tied off a rope so the party could go forward. We ended up facing off with Acorns old master Nuts in Mouth or whatever, he summoned some zombies and stuff, yawn, easy. He tried to stay invisible and hide from us but I just paced the entire place ran into the old pervert and socked the shit out of him until he fell unconscious. Since it seemed like he was possessed or something Eggs healed the guy up, he seemed better, whatever, I'm fucking done with this…we got the contract…who the fuck cares….does anyone even read these things? I'm wasting my fucking time. 

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Dier Bestia
Episode 18: Never Hit A Girl You Monster!

So I'd like to start this log out right, and point out that I got that ass-munching, anal gravity-bong Smookle demoted. I would have been happier if he was fired but, I guess I'll have to continue to deal with cat piss beard a while longer. Also, we have a new manager now, Chad, he's super fuckin' rich, his dad is like, the guy who owns the company, and that's super hot. Sure he's about as tall as a malnourished 4 year old and probably has a dick smaller than my thumb but with that kind of money he can hire full time wizards to cast enlargement spells on his baby wiener all day for the rest of time. Anyways, we go down to this planet Dier Bestia, apparently they run some sort of storage business but also do hunting excursions? Makes about as much sense as a funeral parlor-mini golf storefront, actually I take that back, funeral parlor-mini golf is a much better idea. What sort of tater-titted chuckle-fuck put this can of shit muffins together? Well I'll tell you who…Charles and his son Charles JR. These Jizz-inhaling douche-kazoos were literal giant retards, standing at roughly thirty feet tall and having the brain mass of a coakroach who attended inner city public schools. We got down to brass tacks pretty quick. Some fart-knockers didn't come back from a hunting trip, go find them, like, whatever. So we jumped through the hoops, the best part of the whole thing was getting to take cute selfies after every kill, finally I get some recognition for pulling the parties weight through all these fights…and girl let me tell you, I looked SO FUCKING HOT in those pics, I'm going to have them framed and put up in my private museum/temple to myself that my new husband Chad is going to buy me, so everyone can worship me like the goddess I am. Moving on, we found the fart-knockers we were looking for after I single handedly took down a dragon, no sweat, I wanted a reward for saving him but the turd-farmer was so broke he couldn't even give us one, the urine-gargling bug chewer was additionally ungrateful as fuck…we pretty much all wanted to kick his ass so he ran through our portal back to the lodge and hid like a bitch. Charles was willing to sign the contract at that point, but offered us a "bonus round" in hopes we'd die and he'd get to keep our gear and sell it…of course I knew this was going on but he underestimated how much of a alpha bitch savage I am so we decided to take the additional fight once he promised us treasure. This is where shit got serious, all of the other fights Smookle was the only one getting his ass handed to him, because he's a huge pedo-midget scum-sucker with a glass jaw covered in pussies….but during the bonus round I actually got hit, that's right, the feral, misogynist queef-burger of a gnoll we were facing actually fucking hit me! Can you believe that shit? After that I went full turbo-dyke and ripped his balls off, I wish I could go back in time and give his mother a steel toed cunt punt so he would have never existed. Don't ever hit a fucking lady! Ever! If you do I'll beat your entire family to death with a rock,  eat your incestuous ankle-biters so your genes can't survive, and then shit their digested flesh into Smookles mouth while he's sleeping so he asphyxiates on my excrement and dies too. I like to kill two birds with one stone, sometimes literally. We headed back to Charles, victorious and ready for our bonus round treasure and then that cunt licking, ass wrangling, faggot whore, cock blowing, bitch hoe tried to give us STORE CREDIT!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!??!? That ugly, albino, foever alone guy went into a rage and started attacking him, I honestly don't blame the tard, Charles fucking deserved that….of course he didn't stand a chance and got eveserated by Charles, that usually happens when someone is thirty feet taller than you. Charles tried to be nice and heal him but in true fuck boi fashion, drunk on rage the ranger went at him again….this time I just slapped the fuck out of him, night night bitch. We were all pretty pissed with Charles being such a thunder-cunt but we decided to bite out tongues and have him sign the contract so we could move past this shit hole. That bastard is officially on my shit list though and one of these days I'm going to come back and castrate him with a plastic butter knife. 

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Athuran
Episode 17: Managerial Mishaps

Holy fucking dog farts, I don't even know where to start with this fuck baggery. Just, wow….like wow. This was worse than that time Rebecca McSluto sat next to me in the lunch room and shit her pants….like….way worse. So we go down to this impoverished piss flap of a planet, we're just, like, supposed to get our paperwork signed, easy job, eazy life. That thunder cunt Smookle managed to fuck everything, his ability to suck beholder knob at all tasks surpasses that of mortals and he's honestly probably some demi-god of autism in disguise. We made our way into town, everyone was running around like retarded gerbils in a nuclear wasteland full of gerbil raping pedophiles, there we met some douchey knight dude who wasn't important at all….he smelled less poor than everyone else but still reeked of poverty and chicken nuggets….same thing by the way. Mick was our contact, total jizz stain, also poor as fuck. We met up with the new temps and Mick McFuckboi told us to check out some fort or whatever, we did. Our scrote humping wiz temp decided he wanted to die, I don't blame him, If I was an ugly poor nerd I'd want to die too…so he went in the fort first trying to get raped by demons…success. In the end I kicked the shit out of all the demons and the little ugo goblin "Eggs" healed everyone up…the goblin kid was pretty cute in a way though, like, when a dog is really ugly but it's sort of cute because it's disgustingly ugly…so I put the flea ridden gutter child in my bag, accessorizing is the key to any outfit and it matched my new winged stiletto boots, so ya. We found a little kid in the tower of the fort we were pretty sure that her parents were dead and Smookle kept reinterating that to her because he's a sick monster. I thought it would be funny to convince her she was a powerful adventurer…it was…I mean, It wasn't a joke, I was boosting her low self esteem…she's a ginger…and doesn't have a soul…she needed it, also she's officially my first initiate into the Fisting Sisters, gonna make fuckin' bank off that kid. After that we went back to Mick "the choad artist" McFuckup, but he wasn't there so we talked to that stupid less poor chicken nugget fucker, he told us to talk to some mercenary dwarves….whatever. The dwarves were stupider than elephant rimjobs and weren't very helpful, Mick was there smelling up the place as well. This is the point where shlong shitter….I mean Smookle decided to wreck everything, he wanted to strong arm the dwarven mercenaries and of course he's a giant, pussy bearded, dwarf, forever alone, crack monkey so they just laughed at him and left instead of helping defend the town from demons. We headed back to town without the very nice and reasonable mercenaries, who I don't blame at all for leaving after the way Smookle was towards them. Coming up on the town it was pretty obvious that is was on fire, more on fire than a halflings asshole after eating orcish curry slathered in red dragon baby gravy. Mick was freaking out so I flew him into town and at his request dropped the smeghead in the middle of a demon murder orgy….he died. The party tried to fight the demons off because they can't do math and thought they could kill, like, 15 of the bollock-faced pricks. Smookle almost died, sadly he lived to fuck things up again. I left to grab the ship so I could maximize the number of homeless dick-cheese junkie towns people we could save. The party retreated too, I wasn't there but everyone said while they were getting away Smookle went full retard and pushed that chicken nugget dude off the cart to be killed by trailing demons, of course that poor basilisk faced butt-mucher was the leader of the town now and the only one that could sign the paper work….so it's one hundred percent Smookles fault that we failed, just sayin'. The party got into it with some edgelordian weeb while I grabbed the ship, they were obviously getting their shit kicked in by the mega faggot so I did a low fly by, grabbed the over weight, fadorah wearing, tub of lard and rocketed off into the sky where I promptly dropped him to his death, just for good measure I blew him up the ships catapult as well. Went back, saved everyone, recruited more Fisting Sisters out the survivors…they're going to help run the Man-o-War. Smookle wanted to kill himself because he fucked up so bad but I talked him out of ritual suicide because I'm SUCH A NICE FUCKING PERSON THAT DESERVES A PROMOTION!  

-Sister Goldenwine

Adventure Log: Psychosis
Episode 16: Summer Camps and Seppuku

Some questions dont need to be answered. It started with a request by corporate to check out a potential investment opportunity in the Phadak Sphere on a planet called Psychosis. I thought I'd have a chance to throw my weight around since I'm now considered to be manager, but that turned out about as well as you'd expect, what with the cat beard and all.

We first met one of the counselors who immediately brought us to what seemed to be a man made by a committee that's only goal was to make a racist caricature by the name of Fredrik Castoni. Just a feeling I've got though, he had a weird accent that I've never heard. After I asserted dominance by threatening to pull the investment, this seemed to work quite well but he seemed to be hiding something. I wish it had stayed hidden…

We were then taken on a tour of what we were told was a summer camp, which we all assumed that meant we'd have to deal with children, but to our collective surprise none were apparent the whole trip. We eventually ran across a suspicous bearded fisherman named fisherman Dave whom I tried to help fish with my thai world trident. But he only expressed annoyance and dissappointment, which seemed like something I was used to from him even though we had never met.

Eventually we met a strange she-wolf dwarf and an elf named Kasandra and Tamara respectively. Even though I'd never met this dwarf she seemed strangely familiar, dare I say disturbingly familiar. Our interaction was as brief and as awkward as you'd imagine though and our ADD addled party went on to the next shiny interaction. We toured the rest of the camp with notable highlights such as the cafeteria, death cliff, and alchoholic's cabin.

We eventually tuckered ourselves out, as a result of a days worth of half retarded banter with this planets denizens. While the party slept I used my hat of disguise to assume the form of that strange she-wolf that we had encountered earlier. We bonded through howls. Thats super wierd to say out loud… Eventually I fell asleep and had one of the more moderately scary dreams that I had where Lee Ann told me that I didnt have to do it. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had a feeling deep down that I deserved whatever it was.

The next day some suicide shenanigans ensued, and I may or may not have reflexively axed someone in the face. Thats not important though, things started getting fuzzy after that but the jist of it was that Fisherman Dave is my dad and he isn't particulary thrilled about it. Honestly neither am I but who gets to pick their parents am I right? I also found out that Kasandra is my sister, which I'm okay with. We seem to be a mammal themed family which may or may not explain the cat beard. Thats unconfirmed though…

While going through these revelations we kept hearing about some sort of Master fellow. While the general consensus amongst my family and the general populace was that this was a bad idea, we in true Green Bottle Trading Company tradition decided to do it anyways. And thus we ventured to a cave in which if you believe it or not things got wierder.

Upon arriving at the caves we finally did something that we were at least somewhat competant at and fought monsters. Thank god they didn't turn out to be related to me because they were gelatinous and stalagtitey. Unless they were. In which case we also killed my family. Eventually we defeated said maybe family and proceeded on to a small house in the cave. This is where we discovered the true purpose of the summer camp,

Inside we met the most polite Illithid that Ive ever met, named Srom. Apparently hes some kind of Commie panzy because he decided to go all Illithid vegan and shit. Which basically means if something screams in and understandable language he won't eat it. So after he revealed that he was the Illithid version of Zoloft on this planet and he was the being preventing mass suicide we decided to provide him with animals to satiate his hunger. This would prevent further sepuku and also make sure that our Suicide Prevention Summer Camp Tm could stay in business.

Honestly Im confused as shit. Apparently I have a family that needs to be prevented from killing themselves, and I also seem to have previously display this tendency. But I have no recollection of why I was dropped as a child on Thai World, and Im pretty sure my real dad doesnt love me. But that depressingly enough is the only thing that has made sense this entire expidition. whatever, maybe Ill find some real answers maybe I wont. It would probably be best if I didn't though…

Dictated To And Translated By Reginald The Caveman, Log by Smookle Hork

Adventure Log: Wet World
Episode 15: Tacos and Tigers

Alright, so, um I don't even know why I have to, like…um do this fucking jizz can, dumpster fire of a job and I'm pretty sure my manager is actually supposed to do this shit….but what the fuck ever, that pussy face dwarf is a cunt wagon full of dildo dinosaurs and didn't even go on this mission. So we landed on this planet called Wet World, I know what you're thinking, that name is more retarded than your inbred cousin Steve who eats his own boogers and masturbates to lawn furniture….I agree. After ten minutes of contemplating how to hang myself with my tampon string we cruised down the beach and met up with our contact fuckin' stupid surfer hobo fuck boi, I mean, Surf Tiger. After asserting dominance by shitting on the surf hobo's floor, breakfast cereal boy sent us on a GRRRREEEEAAAAAAATTTTTTT mission to, like, save some fish faggots so they could make tacos. I mean, I like tacos as much as the next Fisting Sister but who the fuck cares! We surfed underwater with magical snorkels that we got from that diaper wearing anus dictator Surf Tiger, even their magical items were mentally handicapped. I beat the ever living fuck out of some dandy vomit-ass sharks, everyone else basically just watched…those god damned crusty rat taints. After that we found an underwater cave, inside was a penguin guy with OCD swimming around in circles…the cunt herpy wouldn't stop making waves so we could pass…we ended his life, I hope he gets raped in hell by sentient pineapple men wielding Gatling gun strap ons.  Further into the cave we ran into the communist polar bear forever alone maggot piper who kidnapped the fish filets for whatever reason. Communism cuts into my profits and I wasn't having that shit, so with a little help from Kevin we robbed the commie crap sickle of his life just like he was going to rob the upper class of their wealth. We realeased the taco making skank troop, and went back to erection herder….I mean Surf Tiger. Butt hole licker decided that saving his frat fish fuck foreigners wasn't enough and challenged Drake to a surf competition….Drake won, because Surf Tiger is the worst at literally everything and the universe would be a better place if he never existed. Kevin did the contract paperwork while I snuck into Surf Tigers house and shit in his pillows.

-Sister Goldenwine


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